Star Trek Characters: TNG Edition

1. Barclay III, Reginald (nerdus wimpi)

Brilliant and socially awkward engineer on La Forge's team. Prone to fantasy and shyness, he dominates Counselor Troi's appointment book, with nearly every personality disorder in the book. With more guidance than the average crewmember needs, he excels at his job in all the pursuits of a 24th century Starfleet engineer.


Uh, Doctor Crusher, I think I have Bendii Syndrome!


2. Crusher, Beverly (foxi redheadus)

Doctor Crusher is the main physician on Picard's Enterprise. Brilliant in all areas of medicine, she saved the ship, aliens, and planets many times from never before seen diseases. Mother of Wesley Crusher. After the death of her husband Jack, she developed an abnormally close, yet platonic friendship with Jean-Luc Picard. They ate breakfast together every day on Picard's enterprise and only hinted at romantic intent, mainly because of Picard's fear that he would be "treading on Jack's grave." After TNG, in the books, Crusher and Picard finally marry.


Jean-Luc, I've found a cure for the new disease. I'll disperse it in the ship's air, and it should heal us all within 47 minutes!


3. Crusher, Wesley (smarti pantsus)

The son of Jack and Beverly Crusher. An abnormally smart child, he used to plague Picard with his desire to go on the bridge and learn how the ship worked. He managed to win Picard's acceptance, and was given a position on the bridge flying the ship as he grew older. Then he earned a spot in Starfleet. Nearing his graduation, he outgrew the human condition and was called by the Travellers to live in peace and exploration in a different plane of existence.


Captain Picard, sir, I was doing an experiment in my quarters and I discovered how to fly much faster than the so-called Warp 10 Barrier.


4. Data (always rightus)

Probably the most intelligent member of Picard's crew. An android created by Dr. Noonien Soong with a positronic network for a brain. Never addressed on the show was the risk that if Data's head ever lost containment, he would turn into quite a potent matter-antimatter bomb, similar to a warp-core breach. Although he does not understand many of the finer points of human nature, becoming human is his greatest desire. He possesses superhuman strength and exceptionally fast processing time. Immune to most diseases that affect the crew in the course of normal exploration of the Milky Way.


Sir, what does "there's more than one way to skin a cat" mean? I can think of 7,192 objects that would be sufficient to skin a cat, however, I would not like to skin Spot or any other cats to examine that saying.


5. Forge, Geordi La (warpus makerus OR matus unsuccessfuli)

The chief engineer of Picard's Enterprise. Intelligent and cool under fire. Very unsuccessful in his romantic endeavors with women, and friendly to a fault with his non-romantic relationships. Commanding officer of Reg Barclay, and best friend and "physician" to Data. Blind from birth, the VISOR he wears allows him greater understanding of the non visible-light spectrum and a disruption in its delicate tie to his brain is often the first warning sign of physical danger to him and his crewmates.


I'm sorry (fill in woman's name), I mistook your interest for romantic feelings. I understand.


6. Guinan (Hollywoodus Squari)

One of few remaining El Aurians after the Borg decimated her homeworld. A very long-lived species, Guinan first met a time-traveling Picard 500 years earlier. Remebering the encounter, she waited patiently until Picard was born and earned command of the Enterprise. Then she joined his ship as a bartender, a listener, and de facto counselor. As non-Starfleet, she wears the biggest hat on the ship.


Worf, drink your prune juice while Will tells me more about my eyes!


7. O'Brien, Keiko (loveri di miles)

Taken on the Enterprise as a non-Starfleet botanist, she met and married Miles O'Brien. They had Molly and Kirayoshi. As a Japanese-American, she and Miles enjoyed blending their cultures, as his heritage was Irish. In the DS9 years, she served as a school teacher to the children on the station.


Oh, I found a lovely plant south of B'hala!


8. O'Brien, Miles (kickus cardassian crappus)

A damned good transporter chief in TNG, later promoted to Chief of Opperations when he moved to DS9. Married to Keiko and father to Molly and Kirayoshi. Not just an engineering nerd, Miles was quick to throw a punch or pull a phaser when need be. On DS9 he initially didn't like Dr. Bashir, but they later became good friends.


I challenge you to a game of darts at Quark's!


9. Ogawa, Alysa (ceeceeus getteri)

One of Dr. Crusher's nurses and friend. She dated many crew members until she finally found a husband.


Here it is, doctor!


10. Picard, Jean-Luc (make it sous)

Captain of the Enterprise. Long time friend and confidante of Beverly Crusher, and later her husband. Takes a keen interest in archaeology. Lived the lifetime of a man from an extinct culture over the course of 25 minutes, and from that picked up a love for music and the Ressican flute. A rather stern captain with high expectations of his crew. Prefers to read classic novels (in the archaic paper books), listen to classical music, and mull over difficult command decisions while sipping, "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot." Once assimilated by the Borg as a confidante to the queen, he became one of the Federation's top two Borg experts (alongside 7 of 9). Often toyed with by Q, much to Jean-Luc's dismay. Used to be nervous around children, but Wesley Crusher and a few other children helped change his mind.


Q! Get off my bridge! And take Vash with you!


11. Pulaski, Katherine (battleus picardus)

Replaced Dr. Crusher in the second season when Crusher took a position at Starfleet medical. She was older and highly opinionated. She and Picard mixed like oil and water, and eventually came to a grudging respect. However, after a year, Beverly left Starfleet Medical to rejoin the crew of the Enterprise.


Picard, you bonehead! We do this my way! I'm the doctor!


12. Riker, William (red alertus oftenus)


Captain Picard's executive officer. Had been romantically linked with Deanna Troi on Betazed, years ago, and before she even joined Starfleet. Their relationship was mostly just friendship in the Enterprise years, although the romantic desire was still there. After TNG ended, Riker and Troi married and Riker took command of the USS Titan. Riker oscillates between a full beard and being shaved baby face. From Alaska, he had a rocky relationship with is career Starfleet father, Kyle. Pretty quick to pull a phaser or throw a punch, though he is a pretty nice guy with an easy command style. Also plays the trombone, hits on holodeck "women," and practices Anbo-Jitsu, which he believes is the "ultimate evolution of martial arts," though anybody who saw the show would realise it to be a farce. Somewhat of a hedonist with his exaggerated libido.



Captain, I can't wait to go to Risa! I hear the women there have no inhibitions!


13. Son of Mogh, Worf (manliest klingonus)

Worf is Klingon, but he was raised on Earth from the age of six. Struggling with his identity, and often ridiculed by Klingons who were raised on Klingon, though he managed to become one of the most honorable Klingon's since Kahless and helped to overthrow the corrupt Klingon High Command. He was also one of the most loyal officers on the Enterprise, serving in security. He later transferred to DS9. He dated Deanna Troi for about a year, much to the chagrin of William Riker. He was also very honorable in traditional Klingon mating and marriage practices. His son is Alexander Roshenko and was raised by Worf's human parents. Poor Alexander did not adapt so well to being a Klingon raised by humans, never learned to be a warrior, and had anger issues for much of his life. On DS9, Worf married Jadzia Dax, who was well versed in Klingon honor and battle from the Dax memories.

We have mated, now we must marry! It is the honorable thing to do.

14. Troi, Deana (overrated sex symboli OR captainus obviosi)

Half Betazoid, Troi was not gifted with full telepathy. However, she is highly empathic with other non-telepathic species, and can communicate telepathically with full telepaths. Her job on the Enterprise is as ship's counsellor where she helps crew members adjust to the rigors of space life, battle, exploration, and other traumas. Reg Barclay is her most frequent client. She had a strange relationship with Will Riker, starting years before either of them were assigned to the Enterprise, and that ended with she and Will marrying years later and transferring to the USS Titan. She sits on Picard's bridge and whenever alien contacts happen, she advises Picard as to what she felt about the individual talking to him.

Picard: (smiling) How can we help you?

Alien: (red faced and growling) I'm going to blow up your ship!

Picard: (shocked) I am sorry, we've meant no insult!

Alien: (beats a console with fist, then leaps up) Prepare to be utterly destroyed! (cuts channel, charges weapons)

Troi: Captain... it's subtle, but I am detecting the emotion anger from the alien.

Riker: Red alert!

15. Troi, Lwaxana (annoyingus bitchi)


Mother of Deanna Troi. Excessively annoying to all who meet her anytime she visits Deanna on the Enterprise. She is older, and developes these intense crushes on old men, like Captain Picard. She believes that her telepathy is more advanced than primitive speaking. Has a false sense of entilement from her mildly high-born position in Betazoid culture. Has served as an ambassador of Betazed to the Federation and other worlds.


Jean-Luc, you simply must have dinner with me tonight in my quarters!

16. X, Ensign (dyus allthetimus)

The Star Trek franchise needed to make the missions seem legitimately dangerous, and needed to do so without killing off the main characters that fans know and love. So in nearly every episode, there is a new Ensign or sometimes even a Lieutenant who is stationed somewhere on the bridge or in security. The formula is that the new Ensign will be mentioned once by a command level officer, usually a command to pilot the ship somewhere. The commanding officer mentions the new lower-ranking officer by name, to create the illusion that there is a familiarity between the two. Ensign X will say "Aye, Sir!" and carry out the orders. Then, later in the episode, one of several things will happen.

1. The ship will take fire, and Ensign X's computer console will explode, searring and lacerating Ensign X's chest and face, and Ensign X falls to the deak, dead. If it is a Star Trek movie (i.e. a budget), Ensign X will usually be a Lieutenant, and the blast of the expolding console will throw Lt. X over a railing, where his lifeless body will crash into the deck near Picard.

2. Aliens will board the ship and a phaser fight will ensue. Unfortunately, Ensign X is always hit by phaser or disruptor fire, never set to stun, and be killed.

3. There will be an away mission to another ship or planet, and somehow something (an alien, an accident, or a malevolent force) will kill Ensign X away from the ship.

After Ensign X's untimely demise, they might show a funeral or make mention of Ensign X again (in that episode), almost always to praise the good ensign's life and accomplishments, and lamment over the wasted life and promissing career cut short. Often, this is done with the Captain or a senior officer contemplating how to write a letter to the crewman's family.

Picard: Ensign X, set course to sector zero, zero, one. Maximum warp!

Ensign X: Aye, Sir! Course laid in!

17. Yar, Tasha (letus meoutta mi contracti)

She was the tactical officer on the first season of TNG. It was a big deal when an alien "skin of evil" killed her at the end of the season because she was an A story character and not just an Ensign X. She came back in later seasons in an alternate timeline and as a half-Romulan enemy.

Data! C'mere you sexy hunk of machine, you!